So apparently whenever I feel like it I use the notes section in my mobile to write. It started one day when I was very angry with my maid for stealing my dairy milk (i know it was a very petty issue but it let me towards a new way to express my feelings). Unable to let out my frustration and tell her face to face what I felt like I wrote it in my mobile notes so ever since then I never looked back and wrote whenever and whatever I felt like. Anyways today I would like to share everything on the cyber world.
On January 07 2012 I wrote:
I wish to strangle her right now and I wish to slap her. The first time was a warning but now it is WAR. I can’t even stand the sight of her and my wish is to kick her out so she would go away and rot in hell. Stealing is a crime and she did it twice. She took away the most precious thing I had so I detest her.
19 May 2012 :
She was soo damn rude to me… I have never come across a b**** like her in a while and I hope that I don’t in the future. Who the hell does she think she is ? Being in the student council has given her soo much attitude that she doesn’t care about anyone else. Well I hope someone gives her a reality check soon because I wish she was in hell right now.
21 February 2013 :
People in my life are soo DASH… They don’t care about me so why should I ? urghhh I hate everyone. I wish I could be alone.
Then something very tragic happened in my life. On 22 June 2013 I wrote:
Were in a better place right now but I know that it isn’t permanent. Just like the rain my life is unpredictable as unexpected things happen everyday. Right now the wind is still outside but I know it has the capacity to become stronger and faster, destroying everything in its path. Like a tornado.
My feelings about that incident are described in the following note written on 12 August 2013:
8 June 2013 was the night when my life took a steep turn. I will never forget it . The event still haunts me and the pain isn’t subsiding with each passing day. What can I say? My life changed for the worse. I am hurt . I don’t know for how much longer I can take this. Every night I cry on my pillow praying and hoping for a miracle but my hope is fading. I don’t know whom to blame him or us ? Well I always say that when a fight occurs both sides are responsible but what about the question who started it ? I know that people pity us . They know it but deliberately avoid discussion on the topic as if it were nothing. Well they should know how much hard it was on us. We put on a brave face and listen to all the consoling we get from people around us but it doesn’t help at all. If they really care then they should do something about it. That night a lot of false promises were given that haven’t been fulfilled yet so those people should be branded as liars. I hate my life. Even thinking about poor hopeless people makes me depressed. Hopeless. I always thought the challenges I face will make me stronger but this one hasn’t. I am weak, hopeless and suffering. Maybe depression or anxiety could be the cause. What are we supposed to do just sit and do nothing or keep on dealing with ignorance or rudeness and most of all disappointments ? I cant keep on living my life like this but I cant do anything either. I just hope someone out there will listen to me and understand how it feels like.
24 August 2013:
Right now the question on my mind is that why are men so controlling? Is it because women feel they are weaker and we let them be? Let’s see. Is it because they provide us with money that we let them boss around?
It has been just one week in university and its already taking a toll on me. I have to admit the university life is very tough and rigorous. We have classes from 8 in the morning to 6 in the evening. However it is only for 4 days a week and rest of the days are off. Being in school was just easy especially when you have been in the same school for the past 14 years which is a lot of time. The school building was smaller by comparison. I just had to climb a few stairs to reach class whereas now I have to walk for at least 10 minutes to reach class. Ah I miss those days when the classes cafeteria and even the library was smaller while now everything is twice or thrice bigger to accommodate large number of people.
In terms of studying the courses are introductory to prepare us for the difficult ones ahead but even they are too hard for me. I have always studied science and hated maths all my life and now fate brought me here where I am studying subjects like maths stats and economics which my brain just can’t process. I said fate because it wasn’t my decision (long story).
By reading all of the above people may think I’m fed up or too complaining because many people don’t even have the opportunity to get a bachelors degree but there are a lot of advantages. The life in university teaches us to be independent and be responsible for our own actions. Waking up at 6:30 pm when once seemed impossible has now become a norm. The amount of walking done from getting to one place from another ensures that we stay fit (good for the fat people around there). I have also noticed that the teachers are much more professional and willing to help if we need it rather than the school teachers who always had the excuse of being too busy. Doing presentations weekly in class gets rid of the shyness and stage fright (which most people have) and boosts self confidence and self esteem. We also get to interact with a lot of diverse people from different backgrounds so our exposure increases. The huge cafeteria offers a lot of options for lunch and snacks (not too tasty but better than the school cafeteria). The rules are more relaxed and the administration is also better; as compared to the dictatorship like admin in the school I was in) .Last but never the least we get to make lots of new friends J
P.s. I started writing this post during first few days of uni but now it’s been two and a half weeks and I am loving my life there. I have already made a group of friends and am optimistic for what the future holds for me.
I wrote these words on my birthday last week on 16th August and I thought I should share them on the internet (even though no one is reading my blog):
Today is my birthday and I can’t believe it has already been 20 years. Well from my perspective if I life for 60 years then I have already spent 1/3 of my life. Whoa that is frightening! I haven’t even travelled the world, gone to university or done something worthwhile so at moments like these I wonder if I have wasted all the precious time that has already passed and can never come back….
Anyways this birthday was different because I didn’t cut a cake this year which make me wonder about the millions of children in the world that don’t cut a cake let alone celebrate their birthday. In fact those that are extremely poor may not even know their date of birth especially in Pakistan. Sigh. I wish I could do something about the situation of poor people in my country but sadly like most other people I only think and not take any action towards improving it. The poor people of Pakistan don’t even have access to basic necessities such as clean water, food and shelter. Notice that I said POOR because the rich have everything. It is always the poor who suffer.
Over here I would like to praise a relative of mine who installed a water filter plant in a poor locality in Lahore that purifies water. The water available there is better and cleaner than the branded nestle or aquafina bottled water available in market. They use the same water in their own home as well which is a proof of its cleanliness and purity and the best part is that water is available to everyone free of cost. The moral here is that they are rich but they used the money they had with good intentions to provide poor people the access to clean water rather than wasting their money on luxuries.
Anyways now back to my birthday. At a very early age I realized the disappointment and heartbreak which accompanies when you expect too much from someone. So I stopped. Therefore to this day I don’t expect everyone to throw a surprise birthday party for me or give a lot of gifts to me. I just don’t think about it. However, for me my family is of the utmost importance (especially my mother and my sisters ) so if I have them by my side I am happy.